How to Win at Right-Wing Substack

The Secret Method of Doomblogging That Will Earn You All The Subscribers

About ten years ago, YouTuber “Big Man Tyrone” was commissioned to produce a video entitled It’s Happening. Unbeknownst to its writer, voice actor, or audience, this timeless video actually contains the secret to winning at right-wing substack.

Since you’re reading my Substack rather than watching Amaranth on Twitch, I know you prefer text to video, so I’ve provided a transcript.

It’s happening. I could have saved you. I tried to warn you, but you looked away. You asked for this. You've made your bed, now lie in it. Why didn’t you listen? You cannot stop it. It hasn't even begun. It's too late. I told you so.

Why did you believe them? Don't call it a grave, it’s the future you chose. We are trapped in the belly of this horrible machine and the machine is bleeding to death.

It didn't have to end like this. You could have prevented this. You only had to listen.

It's happening.

It's over.

It’s Happening is the Platonically ideal expression of the Doom Paul meme and it is also the greatest how-to guide for dissident blogging ever voiced in a West African accent.

To use It’s Happening, all you have to do is just pick one sentence from It’s Happening and elaborate on it. Voila! Award-winning right-wing essay.

For instance, let’s say you pick the eponymous “It’s happening.” Great! Now just select from any of the numerous crises happening around the world. There’s so many options to choose from: War in Ukraine. War in the Middle East. Uncertainty in the markets. Tension with China. Tension with North Korea. Tension with Iran. Disorder at the Border. Disorder in the White House. Prosecution of the former President. Dystopian technocracy. After you’ve made your pick, it’s time to analyze it in depth. Maybe really really in depth. Now watch the subscriptions flow! You can go back to the well on this one many times.

Another great choice is the sentence “You could have prevented this.” Here, you simply choose an aspect of modern day America that you viscerally dislike. Perhaps its the loss of freedom of speech. Perhaps it’s the declining value of the American dollar. Perhaps it’s women wearing ugly shoes. Whatever you choose, you just show how it ultimately resulted from a series of left-wing shifts in the Overton Window, unbraked slides down the slippery slope, and steady retreats by the Right. For extra credit, you can conduct your entire multi-part analysis in the form of an extended Lord of the Rings metaphor.

For more advanced bloggers, consider the theme that “It hasn’t even begun.” To put this to work, pick something happening now that is irritating or worrying our people. Maybe it’s as important as the declining power of American hegemony. Maybe it’s as trivial as the uglification of videogame protagonists. As long as our people are already complaining about on Twitter, it’ll work! Once you pick the topic, it’s time to explain how it could all get much, much worse. It’s like writing a horror movie only with current events instead of college co-eds. Just be careful not to present yourself as making a prediction or prophecy; write it like you’re just offering an analysis of a hypothetical problem. That way, if you’re wrong, you can pretend to be relieved it didn’t transpire, and if you’re right, you can pretend it was a prediction all along. Win-win.

About 6 to 12 months after “It hasn’t even begun,” it’ll be time to leverage either “It’s too late” or “It’s over.” Using these entails revisiting one of your previously-chosen topics, so you can let your readers know that as bad as the situation was before, now it’s worse. Because everything is always getting worse all the time, you can chose literally anything you wrote about already. The important thing is to stress that things are so bad now that nothing can be done anymore. I like to accompany these essays with either Emperor Palpatine saying “everything is proceeding as I have foreseen” or Corporal Hudson saying “game over, man.”

One of the more difficult sentences to leverage is “I tried to warn you, but you looked away.” For this one to work, another blogger has to have written a whitepilled long-form essay about how wrong you are to be blackpilled. Then, when events prove your pessimistic take to be correct, you can launch in to your blistering counter-essay ridiculing him for being afraid to see the truth. These are rare opportunities, so be sure to exploit them when they emerge! (If you can partner up with a public frenemy to make this happen, do it.) Ellen Ripley saying “Did IQs just drop sharply while I was away” makes the perfect image thumbnail for this one.

Sometimes you’ll get an opportunity to shout “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it.” This occurs when some prominent left-wing pundit or left-wing institution has suffered harm directly attributable to its own policies. For instance, what if woke universities have to shut down because woke protestors protest that the university isn’t woke enough? What if an advocate of gun control ends up in the hospital with stab wounds? “You’ve made your bed, now lie in it!” As clown world continues to degenerate, I think this one will offer a lot of mileage — and, unlike the other essay formats, this one will actually make your readers feel better about themselves, by giving them the gift of schadenfreude.

The capstone sentence, however, is this one: “You cannot stop it.” This one sentence encapsulates the entirety of right-wing substack. Nothing can be done, and doom is inevitable!

Unfortunately, from time to time, right wingers are prone to vainglorious beliefs, such as the belief that anything we do can actually prevent the collapse of everything we cherish. Therefore, it’s important that you let your fellow right-wingers know there’s no hope. After all, if your readers were to prevent the doom of the west, then you’d be wrong, and that would be intolerable!

Fortunately, there’s a number of ways you can write a “You cannot stop it” essay that are guaranteed to halt the spread of whitepills. My favorite is to remind people that history is cyclical and we’re heading into the downward curve. In fact, you can probably get two essays out of that notion. If you go this route, be sure to mention Naram-Sin, Ibn Khaldun, Julius Evola, and Sir John Glubb to maximize your street cred. (Strauss and Howe go without saying, obviously.)

Of course, one risk factor in writing a “You cannot stop it” essay is that you might be accused of being so blackpilled that you’re effectively an enemy asset. There are three responses you can make here.

The first response is to assert that you are merely a candid chronicler of the downfall and doom; this stance allows you to disclaim responsibility for what are, after all, inevitable events.

The second response is to assert that hope is virtuous but it must lie with God and the Kingdom of Heaven that will one day come, e.g. there’s things that can be done, but only God can do them. Just be sure not to immanentize the eschaton if you take this latter approach - people need to know that personally trying to make things better will just make them worse.

The third option is to mumble something about “northern courage,” being sure to quote J.R.R. Tolkien saying “The winning side is Chaos and Unreason—mythologically, the monsters—but the gods, who are defeated, think that defeat no refutation.” I consider this the strongest of the three options, because (a) it makes it sound like you are courageous warrior fighting the long defeat rather than a mere historian scribbling on the sidelines; (b) it works whether or not the reader agrees with your religious eschatology; (c), it references J.R.R. Tolkien, who is revered by all right-thinking men; (d) it suggests left-wingers are monsters, which is basically true; and (e) it suggests that right-wingers are gods, which isn’t quite true but does appeal to fans of BAP. I actually keep that Tolkien quote in my clipboard at all times so I can paste it into any conversation. It always works.

(I suppose there’s actually a fourth option, which is that you become an actual enemy asset intent on blackpilling the right-wing community. This process apparently involves taking a ticket, hanging out with Katy Perry, and getting a lot of money, but apart from that I can offer little in terms of guidance.)

In any case, once you’ve worked through the entire list of options available from the It’s Happening video, you can proceed to truly expert-level right-wing blogging, such as meta-narrative essays about using the It’s Happening video as a guide to right-wing blogging. I recommend holding off on this until you have at least 6,000 subscribers, however. Before then, you won’t want potential rivals to know how easy it is to win at Substack.

Contemplate this with absolute sincerity on the Tree of Woe.